Development Hell

Oscar Acceptance Speeches We’ve Missed

by Brad Schreiber

“I’d simply like to thank one person, the most important person, the one who made this all possible, my Lord and personal savior, our God in Heaven… Buddha.”

“It’s always been my opinion that the reward comes in the work itself. We in the film industry, those of us fortunate enough to make a living, receive many benefits, and being given an award seems superfluous. In fact, I don’t need it. I’m sponsoring a writing contest, ‘Why I Deserve Your Oscar.’”

“This world is full of many kinds of people. There are white people, black people, red, brown and yellow, but to my knowledge there are no gold people. The fact that this statuette is gold reinforces the worst aspect of Hollywood commercialism, which is that money is all that matters and people of color, unless their skin happens to be gold, will always be disenfranchised. This is why I refuse to accept this award, until the Academy makes the Oscar itself reflect the racial diversity of our planet. Death to corporate fascism!”

“I’m, uh, an actor, and, like, well, when I don’t have lines, I’m… well, it’s, you know, hard to think of something to say. So, I guess, goodnight.”

“This goes out to two people who tirelessly work on behalf of this industry, without the thanks they deserve. I dedicate this Academy Award… to Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa!”

“My getting this award goes to show you that if you send out enough videocassettes and take out enough ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, anything is possible.”

“I guess this proves that whether you like me personally or not, you liked my character. You really, really liked my character.”

“I’d like to personally give this Oscar to the man who has inspired me more than any other. So Woody Allen, if you get here before the end of this telecast, I will give this award to you, no strings attached. But you’ve got to get here in, oh, let’s see, less than two hours. Otherwise, it stays with me. Come on Woody, you know you really want it. Let’s go. Tick, tick, tick…”

“I have always dreamed of winning the Academy Award and having something amazing happen while onstage, like when Sasheen Littlefeather accepted for Marlon Brando or that streaker ran naked across the stage. That kind of stuff hasn’t happened in a while. So that’s why I brought this weapon—so you won’t cut off the mike—and this list I am going to read, of all the people, ever since I’ve come to Hollywood, who never returned my phone calls. Starting with the A’s: Applegate, Christina. Arnold, Tom...”

“I’ve essentially been doing the same character for years and now, finally, you decide to give me an Oscar?”

“I’d like to share this award with all those who helped me rewrite my script, even without my asking: my agent, three actors, the director, two producers, the best boy and the production’s masseuse, Amber.”

“We all try to make a difference in the world, through our art. And if this film, in its depiction of a 19th century English heiress with leprosy who channels extraterrestrials and cures the lame, can improve just one life, it was all worth it.”

Can’t satisfy your Schreiber jones? Visit the Brad Schreiber homepage at and StoryTech literary consulting service at

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